A Narcissist will string you along as long as you remain submissive, unaware of what abuse is, second-guess yourself, not very confident, have a tendency to let things go easily, give undeserved second chances, trusting, give the benefit of the doubt to those you don't take the time to really get to know ( trust takes really spending time and getting to know), not following your gut feeling, believing you can convince logic and reason into others, good natured, put others happiness before.
Is it possible you’re dealing with a narcissist? The best way to know for sure is to determine if you could have what is called Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.The clinical term for this condition is C-PTSD.Like many people who’ve endured Narcissistic and emotional abuse, you probably didn’t realize what was happening to you until you reached a point of near insanity and began searching desperately for reasons why your fairytale romance took a grievous turn for the worse.Further, the person you love has made you feel you can’t do anything right. The salvation of the relationship always lies on the distant horizon and is entirely dependent upon your changing something about yourself– which is impossible to do (in spite of frantic efforts on your part) – because the person you care about constantly changes the goal posts.You can read all day long about narcissistic traits and still come away confused.
There are other very strong, reliable signs that you’re dealing with a Narcissist, which have more to do with how their behavior affects you. If the following signs describe your life, it’s an indicator that you have a narcissist on your hands, which means your relationship problems are undeniably not your fault.
(Watch the video or read the article below)1. You almost always feel alone. Down to the core of your soul. While the narcissist may be living with you, eating meals at your table, and sleeping beside you in bed, you’ve never felt such stark loneliness. You often find yourself curled in the fetal position, envisioning someone coming to put their arms around you to help relieve your feelings of isolation.The reason you feel this way is because you’re living with a mirage of the person you love.
That person doesn’t exist and, meanwhile, you are being abandoned in every way possible. According to Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing,Abandonment has its own kind of grief – a powerful grief universal to human beings. The grief can be acute – as when we go through the ending of a relationship, or chronic – as when we feel the impact of earlier losses and disconnection. Abandonment’s wound lies deep and invisible.
It tugs and pulls, making it hard to let go, always acting beneath the surface, spilling primal fear into moments of disconnection, disappointment, and loss, generating feelings of insecurity and self-doubt that persist into future relationships. Unresolved abandonment is a primary source of self sabotage.If you feel the narcissist simply “puts up” with you, only coming around to keep you strung along, it’s because you serve a purpose. If communicating with them leaves you feeling unheard, unstable, and frustrated, it’s because they don’t care about you, much less what you have to say.A person who loves you would want to spend time with you, know all about you, and ensure that you feel safe and cared for.2. You don’t feel good enough. Although you’ve proven successful in your career, have built a solid foundation for yourself, receive compliments regarding your accomplishments (and even your looks), you’ve begun to feel like an imposter. No matter the Kudos you receive from the outside world, the narcissist doesn’t seem to notice, and worse, mocks you for them.Narcissists mock and ridicule for many reasons, including making themselves appear superior, but the main reason they mock their victim’s triumphs is that they aspire to destroy their victim’s self-esteem. What better way to keep you under their rule than to make you believe that no matter what you accomplish, you’re “still a loser underneath it all”.
Sadly, this works quite effectively in many cases, resulting in victims of this type of abuse becoming so broken and dysfunctional that they lose everything – careers, children, homes, licenses (such as those required to perform as doctors, attorneys, and therapists), bank accounts, and worst of all, their sense of self.If you’ve noticed yourself feeling overwhelmingly insignificant inside of your relationship and a failure at life in general – which coincides with the time spent with a high-conflict individual – this is a symptom of narcissistic abuse syndrome.3. You feel engulfed by the relationship. One of the trademarks of narcissistic individuals is the way they hijack their victim’s world, effectively consuming every moment of the day. This engulfment can be observed in the way they call, text, and email numerous times a day (often well into the hundreds), encourage you to detach from friends and family, dictate how you should dress and/or wear your hair, display excessive jealousy, and, sometimes, even control what you eat.This engulfment also consists of the “ walking on eggshells” feeling and persistent anxiety that you experience. This comes from the fear of not knowing what will upset the volatile narcissist. Therefore, every action you take must be prefaced with a detailed analysis of whether or not it will upset them and even then, your best thought-out plans may crumble around your feet – leaving you with a gnawing feeling of despair and hopelessness.Healthy relationships do not make you feel like a prisoner.
You should feel free to be yourself and rest easy in your nuclear and extended relationships with friends and family.4. You’ve begun to compromise your personal integrity and values. In the past, you stood up for what you believed in, but inside of your relationship you’ve started tolerating (and possibly taking part in) things that make you uncomfortable because, ironically, doing these things is how you’ve come to believe you can show your love to the narcissist. You focus all your energies on how to make them love you and treat you once again like the soul mate they said you were.
In a relationship, a narcissist will use a variety of emotional manipulation tactics to hook, re-hook, and then string-along his partner. One of the most effective of these tactics is one that I call the soul mate effect. Along with its sister manipulation tactic, the soul mate effect makes up the stickiest portion of the web that narcissists weave to capture their targets. Both tactics are so important, in fact, that failing at one or the other will cause the to fall completely flat and ultimately cease to exist.
Utilized separately, both the soul mate effect and future faking are typically pulled from the narcissist’s bag of tricks only during those moments in the relationship where the narcissist has to work overtime to suck us down the rabbit hole – namely, the beginning Idolize Phase and every reappearance after a.Yup, I have to admit (and not proudly) that the soul mate effect was my downfall. Clearly exploiting the fact that we’d known each other for nearly ten years before spending another ten as boyfriend and girlfriend, my ex would incorporate this historical tidbit into the soul mate effect to pull me back after periodically letting me go. You see, narcissists and other emotional manipulators will typically create the soul mate effect during the Idolize Phase to hook us to The Lie and then again each and every time they press the relationship reset button and magically reappear after a. For the latter, the is used as a prelude to the reset and, as you know, it’s very successful.
Click to Download from AmazonIn the beginning, just like all of you, I felt as if my ex and I were meant to be together. For the first few months, it was as if we shared the same fucking brain. We’d finish each others sentences, we liked the same music, we laughed at the same things, I loved his sense of humor and he flattered me every chance he got. It was amazing! And then, of course, he referred to us as soul mates and BANG, I was a done deal.
Wowcould he be right? Are we soul mates? Of course we are!You see, my ex knew me because we had been buddies years before and narcissists never forget a thing. Several years had passed since I’d seen him and from the first moment, it was as if I’d seen him yesterday. Within just two weeks, he had me convinced that being together was our destiny. In essence, he created that highly deceptive beginning phase phenomenon that I now describe as a narcissistic manipulation tactic called the soul mate effect.The soul mate effect is particularly effective because it is so very personal. Not only do we fall for the lie, we actually deeply believe it – so much so that later down the road, perhaps during a or to prevent him from leaving, we will actually try to convince him of its importance.
Please don’t leave me! We’re soul mates!
Consequently, because we frequently confirm that indeed it works, a narcissist – using just a slight spin – will re-create the effect upon every return as an easy relationship reset. In those cases, for example, my ex’s soul mate rhetoric might go something like, “You know, I just can’t stay away. I think I’m addicted to you. What can I say? We’re soulmates!” And if he really wanted to tug at my heartstrings, he’d refer to “our history together” which, for me, was another key phrase that instantly created the same damn effect.The difference between the soul mate effect and future faking is that the soul mate effect occurs only at the beginning and at reset points to hook and then re-hook a target respectively.
Future-faking, which involves the narcissist making promises and/or future plans that will never happen, is typically a strategy used to keep or maintain the hook. In essence, future-faking is an extension of the soul mate effect. Both strategies are obviously evil in that they are pre-meditated manipulations to fuck with a victim’s head for reasons that are completely deceptive and self-serving.The trigger-pull, of course, is how the narcissist behaves soon after creating the soul mate effect or future faking and, mind you, it’s not a matter of if but when it will happen. Sadly, the narcissist will 1) create chaos and disappear the next day without an ounce of shame, or 2) forget the plans made altogether and then look at you incredulously when you remind him, or 3) accuse you of putting pressure on him even though it was he who made the plans, or 4) accuse you of ruining his life the morning after an entire night of him calling you his soul mateand it goes on and on. It’s all a bunch of of course but when it’s happening, it’s a heart breaker.My ex enjoyed using both strategies simultaneously.
For example, he had a habit of vanishing immediately after we’d spent a wonderful weekend together, leaving me confused and heartsick. Upon his return weeks and even months later, our conversation would go something like this:W: I really missed you. I don’t know, Zari. I guess we really are soul mates. We’re just meant to be together.Me: W, you’ve been gone two months and I don’t even know why you left. You don’t see anything wrong with that?
I’ve been sick over it. How can you say that we’re soul mates when you keep disappearing? Where the fuck do you go?W: Come onwe have a history together.
I was thinking last night that I know we’re going to grow old together. I love you.Me: You’ve been gone two months. What do you want me to dojust pick up like nothing happened? I don’t get this at all.W: You know what? This this is why I leave.
All you do is bring up the pastover and over. I’m here, aren’t I?Me: Yeah but yesterday you weren’t!W: Alright, that’s it. What do you wantdo you want me to leave?Me: Nothat’s –W: Because I will. I have no problem with that at all.Me: No problem with it?
A minute ago you said we were soul matesW: I can’t talk to you. I shouldn’t have come here. I should have known it would be the same old shit.Me: Okay, okayplease don’t go.W: Hey, you know what? How about we go to that concert this weekend? Let’s have some fun.Me: I’d love to go but.butyou always make plans when you come back and then we never go. I don’t want to pretend to get excited over something that won’t happen.W: You are nothing but a buzz kill.Me: Alrightfine.
Let’s go then.Concert night comes and Wayne is nowhere to be found. Click Image to Order via AmazonIf you think about it, the narcissist has no choice but to create a soul mate effect because for who else but her soul mate would any woman endure this much bullshit? Learn to recognize the signs of the soul mate effect and future faking with a current partner and also with any new person you may meet.Understand that when the feeling of love is real, no one will ever have to say a word, let alone try to convince the other that it exists, and promises are rarely made and then broken.
We must re-train our brain to recognize what is and isn’t normal relationship behavior and then never ever settle for anything less. The female narcissist uses the same soul mate bullshit.But it felt so.real when it happened, everything we did was fun even going to the market or doing whatever.She didn’t have to.ask you want to come with me, no it was babe Im going with you.
Our motto was FOREVER AND A DAY her FOREVER was a lie. Her other line after a few days of insanity was we been through so much bullshit with each other huh hon and were still together, I would reply yes bullshit you started, oh now were pointing fingers, it wasn’t just me, she would sayFuck yes it was all her, every damn time it was hercraziness is what it was, total insanity.
I think its the fact I knew it was insanity, she was evil, mean, unlikable,’ but I couldn’t leave her I made a promise to her and myself, no matter what this will work I will not give up, and I was the best man I hAve ever.been with a woman, and for what, I didn’t mean a thing to her, Double insult to my injury, A conscious effort to be the best and it’s wasted and meaning less on a narcissist. I’m actually feeling all of you girls. I just met this really kind and caring narcissist. I knew he is a narcissist because he made me feel outraged and numb after two months of being together, he decided to work in a far place and to be far from me. I knew he had some problems with money and in order for him to pay back his debts, I believe he is using me. He says he needed to get away for a while so that he could think and process his emotions. He didn’t want to accept my financial help, even though I am forcing it to him so that he could love me in return, the last time I saw him is two weeks ago, he asked for fare to go back home, and now he doesn’t even message me.
I don’t know. I can totally relate to you girls. I knew I am blissful and high when I’m with this person. He keeps me alive, but when he did this, he is killing me. I am currently entertaining the idea of dating a potential narcissist.
He’s been there for me always. And we’ve been friends for almost 10 years. He travels a lot for work and sees me once to twice a month if I don’t ignore him over something he did wrong. He never hit me but he did get disrespectful joking about something. He basically facetiously made a comment toward me. He always apologizes when I’m mad at him and he buys me gifts just because.
He seems great but because he’s an entertainer who travels I’m afraid to commit. He has n ex wife and one child both of which I have yet to meet. Hi Denisha,Read my book before you even think about getting together with this guy.
In this book, I tell my story and it will sound very familiar to you. I knew my ex too for ten years before we became a couple and then it was holy hell for the next thirteen. I must have been asleep or something the first ten because I didn’t have a clue. I thought we were best friends! I guess because he wasn’t my boyfriend, I wasn’t paying attention. My bad!!Knowing what you know about narcs, why even consider it? If you think he’s a narc, he more than likely is.
Don’t waste your time and your life. Read through the articles on this sight and allow me to change your mind!!Zari:). Great site Zari, much needed validation.My narc and I also “knew” each other for several years before we were a “couple”. Hi Nellie,Don’t let him go – say no! I don’t know what other advice I can give you, girl. If you have a good job and can support yourself, is it possible for you to divorce his ass and take the girls with you? Ignoring him but still living in the same house is no way for you to live.
It also doesn’t have the same effect as leaving him. If you don’t want the girls to go with him and you don’t want to go along, then flat out say no. You don’t have any other choice except, of course, to kick him out. Send him off on vacation alone and pack up and you and the girls move out. The biggest problem for women who want to do this is the fact that they can’t support themselves. If you can, hell – run, run, run.
It will be hard at first but the end reward down the road is well worth itI guarantee it. Do NOT be intimidated.Stay strong,Zari xo.
My heart knew from the get go. But my brain couldnt accept that such evil existed. I schemed and made him feel he was discarding me and with tissues in my hand I pleaded and begged for his love – whilst he thought he had me groomed and helpless for his future entertainment – like a true oscar winner I ran and never looked back – this way he would leave me alone forever. Feeling his ego stroke and get an erection from thinking I am home crying and dying, and I will suffer for months to come ?. But im with my new boyfriend sucker-you taught me well.